It doesn’t really get any easier. Maybe less emotoinal, but still so hard. There is a heavy pain in the room, and a bittersweet air as you greet guests who you are happy to see, but sad to have an occasion to see. And then, when they begin speeches about Abba in the past, that’s when you take a break from the routine and just look around and say ‘How is this normal that Abba isn’t around anymore? How did I walk down the chuppah without Abba by my side? How am I living life? Why isn’t he here?’
Today is Abba’s 4th yahrtzeit. Four years since Abba’s weak and sick body finally let go of his neshama. It was on Erev Shabbos, and he was in his bed, in his home, surrounded by family. And I was blowdrying my hair right when it happened. Yeah, you don’t forget stiff like that.
Anyway, this is not about his death, but about the yahrtzeit. Since I don’t want to write a book, I will hold off on writing all the emotions that have taken place since he was niftar, and what a wonderful guy he was. Just breifly, about his yahrtzeit:
It was in Mommy’s house, and Moshe made a siyum. Adiel made challahs and I made veggie beurekas with mushroom sauce(thanks h.com) and vegetable soup. They were all hits. There was a small crowd, maybe 20+ people. Sara Rochel brought the two big girls. We came early to help. Besides for the regular speakers (my two uncles and bro-in-law), Mommy actually spoke about the last few years without him. Now that I’m married, it hit me how painfully hard it is to lose your spouse and best friend. I never felt so much for my brave, strong mother as I did last night. Also, my little 7 1/2 year old niece, who was only 3 1/2 when Abba was niftar got up and brought the whole place to tears. She wrote the following, and said it in a sort of monotone but loud enough for everyone to hear and relate.
MY ZAIDY BY CHAYA LEAH KOSTER WITH HELP FROM HER MOTHER
MY ZAIDY HAD A BEARD, GLASSES, A WARM SMIMLE, ENJOYED HELPING PEOPE OUT.
I SEE A BIG HEART THAT LOVES EVERYONE.
HE HAD A WHITE SHIRT WITH A LOT OF DIFFERENT COLORED PENS PEEKING OUT OF HIS POCKET.
HE HAD A JACKET WITH LOTS OF THINGS IN THE BLACK POCKETS.
HE HAD BLACK PANTS AND A BLACK YARMULKA ON HIS BALD HEAD.
THE LIGHT AROUND MY ZAIDY WAS AS LIGHT AS A PRECIOUS GEM.
IS MY ZAIDY PROUD OF ME?
DOES MY ZAIDY KNOW HOW MUCH I MISS HIM?
MISS HIM MISS HIIM MISS HIM.
THE SOUND AROUND MY ZAIDY WAS ZEMIROS AND LAUGHTER.
I FEEL THAT I LOVE MY ZAIDY SO MUCH.
I FEEL HAPPY THAT I HAD SUCH A SPECIAL ZAIDY.
I FEEL SAD THAT MY ZAIDY WAS NIFTAR.
Do you not cry when you read that? So simple, yet so poignant. From the mouth of babes. With a touch of bald comic relief.
I have the same questions Abba – Are you proud of me? Do you know how much I miss you? Miss you, miss you, miss you…
When we got home, I lit a yahrtzeit candle for the first time. So weird, and also no bracha to say which was strange.
Today we went to the cemetary to say tehillim and talk to Abba one on one.
Abba – if you are reading this. Please, gather up all of the young, innocent people up there; people that really don’t belong there yet but were snatched out of the world way to early. And gather up the tzaddikim and gedolim who we feel lost without. Gather them and storm the kisai hakavod, until Hashem has no CHOICE but to send us the geulah. I would really be very happy if the 4th yahrtzeit is your last….
Here is the magnet that Mommy made by Abba’s shloshim. All of our friends and family keep it on their fridge. Please look at and think about for a few moments to give Abba a zechus.
TNZB’H.
