I came across an ad for this shabbaton from a local Yahoo! Group and heard about it again from Esther as she was browsing a local newspaper. The idea of going to a ‘marraige enrichment’ retreat for frum people really intrigued us. So we signed up early to make sure that our space was saved. At the time, we were the only shana rishona couple to be part of this experience.
Ok. Before we get into the details of the retreat, I want you to think about what the words ‘marraige enrichment retreat’ mean to you. To me, it means a getaway where couples of the wide spectrum of Yiddishkeit come to learn techniques to enhance their existing happy marraige. As you’ll read, that was the general idea of this shabbos, but the topics and some members of the audience did not reflect this.
It was hosted at the Hudson Valley Resort where a lot of OU (and other Jewish) functions are held. We were 1 of 140 couples who showed up from the W I D E spectrum of Yiddishkeit. There were chassidish couples, litvish, yeshivish, modern, and others. There was even a young couple there who had been married for just 1 month! They were from Far Rockaway and their parents bought this retreat package for them as a special something for their marriage.
We arrived at 1:30ish to the check-in counter where we received our workbooks, schedules, and shabbos keys for our room. Womens swim was 2:00-3:00 and mens swim was 3:30-4:30. We both went swimming and then had from the hot fleishig reception buffet before davening kabbalas shabbos at 7:00.
I was surprised to see so many people considering that they told us that they would only accept 75 couples max. At the first meal (Friday night), they left the seating open to allow couples to sit anywhere they wanted. We didn’t really know anyone, so we sat down on a table in the center of the room where we could hear the speaker. The food was served by waiters who took orders for what we wanted on the menu. Just to let you all know – the food was especially good the entire shabbos.
The person to welcome us to this event Frank Buchweitz (i think i remember that as his name) introduced all the speakers who would be giving shiurim the following day. They each spoke for a few minutes (which was really dragging on the meal). then Rabbi Dr Tzvi Hirsh Weinreb (may he live and be well) spoke about this weeks parsha coinciding with this event. The theme of the parsha was about adapating to changing circumstances which is very much a part of marraige.
Shabbos Day – Shacharis at 8:30. Kiddush at 10:30. First shiur at 11:00 followed by the main meal. So Esther and I went to a workshop on communicating effectively. And since this was a workshop and not a shiur, we had to do exercises with our spouses using the techniques we learn. The basic idea behind the technique (given by Marcy and Sylvan Shaeffer) involves active listening, repeating to the speaker what you just heard, not using accusatory words, and making “I” statements. All the couples who were there doing this with their spouses were told to select a simple and light issue and then use this technique to work through it. After we had a few minutes to do this, the audience was asked for their feedback on how things worked out. The response was that all the couples had touched upon a much LARGER issue by rocking the boat with a small issue. And were no different. So that means we all have stuff to work out.
We went to the other shiurim – but they weren’t as powerful as that first workshop. By the end of shabbos, Esther and I used our new techniques to work out any ‘bigger’ issues in our marraige. Woo Hoo!
Motzei Shabbos, there was a melava malka game called “Not the Newlywed Game!” where 4 couples competed against each other on their knowledge of their spouse. Each spouse was given a question and had to write down the answer that their spouse would answer. Of these 4 couples, one of them had been married for 54 years and another had been married for just a month! In the end, the couple who was married for just one month WON (and got some cheapo prize like a bottle of wine).
Sunday: davened, ate breakfast, went to two more shiurim and drove back home. We gave the meat that we had never BBQ’ed (because of rain on 4th and 5th) to Esther’s sista and made little dinner for ourselves before collapsing into bed.
Let me tell you – Marriage is really very hard. The whole shabbos was very emotional because we both wanted to address issues without tipping the boat over (we for sure rocked it) and without hurting the other persons feelings. Both of us had things that we just wanted the other person to acknowledge regardless of whether they like it or not. Whatever happened to the carefree days when you just easily walk away from a relationship with a simple “go to He**” and then move on to the next one?
But for Esther, it’s all worth it.