Esther & Adiel’s Blog

This is almost a repeat of what I wrote  in the other blog — for those who know where to find me .

I wanted to go Menachem avel on Tuesday but it was snowing and to me, that was a bad omen. I don’t lke to drive when it’s snowing (or even raining). So we pushed it off to Wedneseday which I think was the right move. This was my first time leaving Shaina for the night with her Daddy. Isn’t that weird? We’ve gone out together and I must have left her for a bit when she was alreayd sleeping, but it’s never been just him putting her to bed and ‘baby-sitting’ for 5 hours. Normally, I’d relish the chance for some freedom, especially if it meant going to my favorite city. But obviosuly, this was a nerve-wracking and difficult thing to do.

I left at about 5ish, thought I’d meet up with Batya at 6 but I didn’t anticipate rush hour traffic and getting crosstown and uptown at this time of year. and it took over an hour and 40 minutes to get there. I tried distracting myself with music the whole way there, I didn’t want to sit and think about what I was about to do. I also needed the bathroom, had to deal with cabbies and traffic, and was feeling bad about making batya wait. So when I finally got there, I was already not at my optimum. I just was hoping I wouldnt’ feel too dumb for going. I picked up Batya at the corner and found a spot a few blocks away. Then Batya tells me it’s a walk-up and I’m glad I didn’t know that before. I don’t know how people live in walk-ups, especially with kids! I had a hard enough time growing up on the 5th floor of an elevator building and just making the trek on shabbos. But I guess that’s why Yael is in such great shape.

We shlep up to the fourth floor, and you can tell its a shiva house from the hall because there are coats draped over the railing. Batya asks if we knock, I say no, we just go in and we push the door open. The first thing that hits me is that the apartment is NOT how I pictured it. Becuase it was a penthouse, I thought there was lots and lots of space. Instead there were a few very small rooms and stairs that go up to a loft. But anyway, that’s not important. In the small living area (long but narrow), there was a cirlce of about 15 or so chair set up (with Misaskim’s name on it, they are incredible) and Yael and her husband in the middle, on low chairs, facing one another. About 8 other people were there at that time.

I recognized Yael right away, even though she was wearing a tichel and I never saw a picture with her without her sheitel on. Batya hugged her first and I squeezed her hand and introduced myself. Her eyes lit up when I told her who I was and she seemed genuinely happy that I came. That smile and squeeze alone assured me that I had done the right thing by coming. I told her that we all feel like Shiny is ‘our baby’ and that we feel so part of her and her family’s life. That she touched us so much by her stories and pictures and we feel so connected to her and her family. I metnioned I said it’s so sad we have to meet at this circumstance, and she said she wants everyone to come to the simcha they are making – Moos upsherin erev Pesach. I thought it was wonderful that they were bringing up a simcha and looking for the future at this tragic time. I sat next to Yael and asked how she’d doing (dumb question). She said she felt like she really was accepting of the situation. That she was not in another world and spaced out like some mourners often are, but very in touch with what was going on (which was definitely true). I asked about Moo, she said he started school at the Chabad center that week and really loves it. Her Mom was around and recently went back, and her MIL and SIL were still there taking care of him. She said he doesn’t really know what’s going on but they talk about it at bedtime every night, she tucks him in and shows him pictures of Shiny and they talk about the fact that she’s with Hashem now. I hope it helps him remember his baby sister somewhat.

About those pictures. They had a little album of Shiny being passed around. Some of them I reocognize from her blog (think that silly one with the funny leggings and the last one she has on her blog where her eyes were really shining). Once I started looking through the pictures, the big fat tears just started rolling down my cheeks. This adorable and shining innocent baby girl, never to smile again. I was glad the room was darkish even though it’s OK to cry at these things. But I felt funny that it was me crying and not her parents. Then again, day 4 is often not when the crying happens. Batya went to get me tissues. Then Yael and I talked more about shiva, I had been through sitting shiva when I lost my father but it was such a different type of shiva. In so many ways. I asked if she found the week to be OK and she sai dit was just so weird to sit so much and not to be out and about and doing things. Yeah, Yael isn’t the type that usually does nothing all day. She mentioned there was an ebb and flow of visitors and at times she takes a little break upstairs just to rest. Another blogger came and I got to talking to her a little. Yael got up to make herslef something to eat but realized she wasn’t allowed to so someone else warmed up the soup for her. The halachos of shiva are crazy. You’re not allowed to some basic things that just seem second nature. Anyway, at some point I fel I was hogging Yael so I switched to the rocking chair further away (her idea). And than basically observed and threw a few comments in the rest of the time. The other blogger mentiond that she was learning with a kallah in Adelle’s memory and Yael said she couldn’t believe how much goodness was being done for her memory. How touching!

The atmosphere was somewhat quiet but not painful and depressing as I thought it would be. There was a mixture of talking about the baby and regular chit-chat. Yael’s husband seems like a lot of fun, a jolly guy who was trying to talk to everyone and make them feel at ease. He asked me who I was, I told him and he said there were a lot of visitors that he had never met before. He had a list of mishnayos he was asking peopel to sign up for which was somewhat unfilled in. So someone else there remarked it’s probably not even necessary to do anythig for her neshama as she is completely pure and without sin. But still, we do things for ourselves too. Yael mentioned the story of a convert that was sent back for two years to a childless couple, just because he hadn’t nursed from a Jewish mother. Babies that die surely must be some sort of gilgul, who come back just for that takana. (my own thought, not hers).

I enjoyed looking around at their apartment. There was three stooges pics up and lots of Disney stuff. In general, a lot of charm and very ‘yael’ish from what I know of her. She really seemed to be taking everything in stride. But as Batya and I dicussed, its the weeks and months after shiva that are often the hardest and most difficult, trying to adjust to a life without the one you love and making a new ‘normal’ for yourself. At one point, I went to use the bathroom — and surprise, the cat was there. Not expecting that. I also heard the dog barking at some point from another place in the home.  After about 40 or so minutes, We got up to leave and say hamakom, she thanked us (she thanked everyone actually when they came and left). I squeezed her hand again, and promised to meet up with her again on a happier occasion. I can so see myself being friends with Yael, she is so down to earth and easy to talk to, yet so special and full of emunah at the same time.

Outside the building, we met Josh’s mom (Yael’s MIL). She had come from Florida with his sister and were outside with a stroller and Moo! How fun to finally meet the big boy and he is even cuter in real life than in the pictures. MIL thanked us for coming. She looked so distraught, like how I would have pictured Yael to look. Shook her head and spoke about how awful this is and how she just hopes God keeps her children sane. Mentioned she spoke to Josh at 8:00 Saturday night and everything was OK, and than 2 hours later gets this phone call. How awful. To out of the blue get a call that your grandchild is dead. She really looked upset but happy that we came and that her children have friends and a community that cares about them. She said she would stay as long as they needed her too. I wished her lots of nachas and she said she already has so much. I’m glad we met her also, it made us realize how many more people were so painfully affected by little Adele’s death.
The drive home was also tiring though it was quicker than the way there. I had been running around all day without much of a rest and the shiva call was good in one sense, but emotionally draining in another. There was some traffic on the LIE and I got a little lost (despite GPS) after the Queensboro bridge (not used to using that bridge, usually use the tunnel). I also had to do shopping on the way home. I was just bombed last night. But I made sure to give my petchuchkala an extra hug and kiss when I got home at 10 and saw her sleeping so soundly and peacefully in her crib. And Adiel had made the house spotless while I was gone btw.

Hashem, please give this family the nechama they so need and heap lots and lots of bracha on them.